It’s 3:07 AM, it’s my birthday, my paper is due Monday,and I got dumped. Again. By the same person as before. And someone else. Wow.
I know what you’re thinking: this is nothing, there are bombings and refugees, and homelessness and so many pressing social and political issues, and you’re worried about your love life. I get that. I feel like shit for feeling like shit about this, trust me. But here I am, wide awake the early morning of my 19th birthday and I’m reflecting on my past relationships and more importantly, my self worth.
I settle. I settle for much, much less than I deserve and I do it time and time again. And it wasn’t until tonight that I really began to realize why that was. So buckle up for a long, pensive, and mildly ranty post. We’re about to get deep in thought.
You are your own best friend. You know everything about yourself. You know all the little things that no one else will really ever know. Therefore, you need to be kind to yourself and treat yourself the way you would treat your actual best friend. The best way to get hurt time and time again is to be shitty best friend to yourself, and that is exactly what I’ve been doing for the past 19 years. I don’t treat myself with the care, respect, and kindness that I would treat my closest friends with. I tell myself I’m fat, I’m stupid, I’m worthless, I’m no better than the guy I’m dating, or rather the guy I’m sleeping with because let’s face it, no one has really, truly dated me in quite some time. I tell myself that I am lesser than the people around me.
And I am done.
I am none of those things. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. I am a child of God, and I am worth so much more than the shitty relationships I get myself into. I am Miranda fucking Mcloughlin. I can handle anything life throws at me, evident from the devastation of not getting into my dream school, the passing of my favorite aunt, and losing my father’s trust ,among so many other things. I am strong. I am (relatively) independent . I am a college student at one of the greatest universities in the United States. I am a future Parisian.
And I am done telling myself otherwise.
I am done dating guys that only want to use me and leave. I am done seeking out the shitbags of the world. I am done giving myself less than I deserve and settling for an unhappy relationship just because it’s just that: a relationship. I am done validating myself by the people around me, by the size of my waist, or by my GPA.
I’m going to be.
I’m going be simply be. Be a daughter. A sister. A college student. A friend. A healthy person. A happy person. A person in general. I’m going to be everything I am in a way I’ve never been before. A whole person.
I’m going to get to know myself better, outside of dating someone. Something I haven’t done in a long, long time. I’ve lost touch of who I am as a person, and I want to get back. Get to know who I truly am. After all, isn’t that what college is for? Other than, ya know, higher education. I’m not going to drink. I’m not going to date. I’m not going to flirt. I’m not going to be a shitty friend.
I’m just going to be.
I’ll float for a while. At least through the holidays. I’ll enjoy my family, my studies, my job, my friends, and my coffee, of course. And I’m not going to give up until I really, truly know what I deserve.
And then I’m going to get it.
And I’m not going to settle for anything less.
No one is probably reading this and no one probably gives a shit, but here I am. Writing it anyways. And I’m going to continue writing, sharing my personal revelations and wondering aloud via keyboard about what I know. Because the more accountability I have the more likely it is that I’ll follow through. So join me, all of my little accountability partners, as I try to figure out who the fuck I am.