guess who’s back? (back again)
Long time no talk, everyone! How was everybody’s summer? Did you take classes or prepare to go off to college for your first year? Did you get the tan you’ve always dreamed of? Or did you spend these past few months remembering who you are and getting back in touch with your mental health and happiness outside of the idea you had for yourself about what it means to even be healthy and happy?
because that’s what I did
I recognize that taking a months long hiatus with no warning wasn’t super nice of me to do, and I really, truly am sorry about that, but I’m glad I did it. I so desperately needed that time off, and the progress I’ve made may not have come as quickly had I been documenting it all along, assuming I was capable of doing that in the first place.
Following the worst and longest year of my life, I had the worst and longest summer of my life. Everything was hard in a way I didn’t know things could be hard, and I had absolutely no distractions. I had originally planned to work tirelessly and take way too many summer classes before returning to Norman, and due to a series of events I will get into in subsequent posts from this point forward, that didn’t happen. I spent my summer hopelessly and unrelentingly depressed with no distraction. I had been so severely depressed for god knows how long and didn’t realize just how bad it was until the end of May, when I started to recognize that I had dug myself into a deep dark hole and had no idea how to start clawing my way out. I knew I needed help and couldn’t do it on my own.
I had stopped taking my medication. I had alienated myself from my friends. I wasn’t showering. I wasn’t getting out of bed. I was having the worst panic attacks of my life. And I wasn’t sleeping.
My friends were either in Norman or across the country on internships or working like dogs to pay for school, and I had never felt so alone. I spent a lot of time with Netflix. I applied for job after job after job. I went on some of the worst dates I have ever and will ever go on in my life. Anything to find a distraction.
It was a long, long, LONG process to get better. I got back in with my psychiatrist and therapist. through trial and error I found an SSRI that was working for me. I found ways to sleep. I started approaching the barrage of health issues I had been ignoring for the past 12 years or so. I got a new tattoo.
I cried. A lot.
But then, I got a new job. I started making new friends. I phased out a failed SNRI and started a new SSRI. I gained my appetite back. I slept regular hours. I started laughing again.
i got happy.
Happier than I thought I could be after the past year. A deep, fulfilling, profound happy that I can’t even begin to explain. A happy so wonderful and so needed it made me cry when I realized it was finally mine.
and i’m okay.
It isn’t over, it never really will be, but it’s manageable. It’s handleable. It’s okay. And for now, that is fine by me.
So right now, I’m going to work: on myself and on sustainable happiness, and at my job. I’m going to stay right where I am and fall in love with myself again,because I think I’m worth knowing. I’m not complying to the demands of my depression or anxiety, because it is not in charge of me.
i am in charge of it
So for those of you returning after a long, well deserved break, thank you. Thank you for coming back. I sure am glad to be back, and I hope you stick with me as I try to put into words the last year of my life and where everything is going from here.
I promise to at least make it entertaining.