life happens, coffee helps

Here’s Your Change

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i’ve never been that superstitious

The most I’ve ever researched astrology and fortune telling has been in my Latin class, I don’t seek out omens, and the only reason I don’t walk under ladders is because I’m terrified I’ll trip over it and it’ll come crashing down on me.

However, I am a firm believer in certain signs from the world. I saw a hawk on my way to take the ACT the time I got my highest score, a firetruck interrupted the funeral procession for my grandfather, something Cleo most certainly would have found entertaining, and every once in a while I get a fortune cookie that really speaks to me.Granted, I do eat a lot of Asian food and therefore eat a lot of fortune cookies, so my chances for getting a fortune that’s applicable are pretty high.

But when you get a fortune that tells you exactly what you need to hear, I like to think it isn’t entirely by chance. By chance, I got Thai with my family on my lunch break. By chance, I went on my lunch break earlier than normal. By many chance encounters, I ended up getting the fortune cookie I did when we received the bill.  But when I cracked open that cookie and saw the tiny slip of paper reading “Be prepared to change your plans, it’ll be good for you!” I couldn’t help but think maybe, just maybe, the universe was talking to me.

Nothing in my life for the past two years has gone according to plan. I didn’t go to the college I thought I would. I wouldn’t perform in the college I did go to like I thought I would. I didn’t have the understanding of my mental stability I thought I did. I didn’t even declare the major I thought I would. In the midst of any drastic change, people tend to have trouble adjusting. Some people, who remain nameless but run a blog and really like coffee, tend to react in the worst way possible and maybe have a proclivity for depressive episodes and maybe didn’t love themselves as much as they should have in the past two years.

That tends to force a person to change their plans. If said person doesn’t recognize that things need to change, it tends to cause the universe to force their hand and change their plans for them. And that is exactly what my life has been like as of lately. I took an (at first) involuntary break from college. I moved home. I felt the low depths of depression that I didn’t know existed.

But then I bounced back. I started taking care ofmyself, taking baby steps to self love. It started with washing my face absolutely every night before bed and not sleeping with makeup on anymore. Then with washing my hair on a regular three day schedule. Then with getting my health issues in check, from the scoliosis I diagnosed myself with and ended up totally having, to the depression and anxiety I had let get way out of line. I took my medicine. I let myself feel ashamed and disappointed and guilty and then let those feelings pass, because they were my anxiety convincing me that I wasn’t worthy of being a person and were completely unjustified.

I cried it out, and then I wiped my cheeks and got back up.

I didn’t want to change my plans. I never thought I would end up not being ready for college, the place I’ve been longing to go to for upwards of 10 years. The place I knew would be my place. But I am so unbelievably grateful I did. I now feel more like myself than I have in a long time. I love myself for who I am, warts and all. I know that I am not perfect, and that is okay. I know that I am beautiful and intelligent and capable of so much more than I’ve been giving myself credit for, and that this too shall pass. Changing my plans was absolutely good for me, in ways I never thought possible of not being in school.

Now, I’m ready. I am well equipped to handle college. Six months ago it didn’t feel like I would go back, but I can now say with certainty I will be back. I will finish what I started, and I’ll do better than I was ever capable of doing this time last year. I know I have so much I want and need, and that giving up now wouldn’t do anyone any good, so I simplyhave to get back up and keep on keepin’ on. And I wouldn’t be able to recognize any of that if  hadn’t changed my plans.

So if you find yourself at a low point or in the middle of a dark time, change your plans. It’ll be good for you.

Miranda

 



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